Tag: depression

Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

WOW…..now that is some raw truth, right there!!!!

tywood12's avatarMy New Life

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion…

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Friendly Advice

Here we go again, having to listen to someone’s idea of what I need to do…OK…LET ME HAVE IT!!!!!

(clenching fists inside of crossed arms, clenched teeth hiding pain while wanting to bite their head off….)

Sound familiar? They mean well, and deep inside you know that, but it is so hard to keep listening to it sometimes.

Last night, I had a friend call me. He usually calls me every week or so to chat, usually to let me know how he is doing. About every 4-6 weeks, I know that this call will take about an hour or more because he is in his funk again. Up one day, down the next.

I am honored he calls me. I look forward to being able to let God speak to him through me to encourage him and to help talk him back from the ledge every few weeks. It confirms that God has a purpose for me to help out my friend and that I may be the only person in his life that he can truly reach out to. Hopefully he gets some life-giving words to get him through the days/nights/weeks to come.

I do not think that I am all that or that I am anything special because of this relationship I have with him. I am just a human trying to be real with my friend and to help him out in his time of need. I am not a counselor or an expert in any way. I just have a heart for people.

How do you feel when someone gives their advice? Did you honestly ask for it? Did someone just stick their nose right in and give you some?

Let’s first address the uninvited advice:

You can handle it one of two ways. 1) Repeat after me …….”BUZZ OFF” (or hopefully replace with a kind, profane-free statement that means about the same thing) or 2) Politely listen to the advice and thank them for it. If you cherish that relationship, please be sensitive to the heart of the person giving you the advice and then proceed. I would recommend going to God in your prayer time with that advice and just lift it to Him, asking Him to clarify the message and then give you peace if you need to heed that advice.

Uninvited advice may be exactly what you need to hear, but are not open to it yet. It may be totally selfish (on their part) and makes no sense at all. It may just pile on to your already overloaded emotions and the soil of your soul is not ready to accept a seed of blessing that has come your way. In giving you advice without you asking for it, they are trying to help and reaching out to you because they have an agenda. It may be a selfish agenda, but an agenda none the less. It may be a genuine agenda that is only coming from a desire to help ease the pain and provide Godly advice, but without asking for it they are running the risk of it going in your right ear and exiting head left.

I believe that most well-adjusted people will desire to give advice to you from the perspective of having your best interest in mind. If they only give advice to further their own agenda, I would qualify those people as the enemy to your well-being. If they are thinking of themselves and how their advice to you helps them out without caring how it will affect you in the short and long-term, realize that you are being manipulated and you are heading down a path to more pain and suffering.

Now, let’s address the invited advice:

Before we do that, let me warn you: If you ask for it, be ready to feel every kind of emotion. You will feel enraged, pissed, sad, agreeable, confused, happy, amazed, dumbfounded, etc… If you are not ready to address your situation head on, you need to back up a step and just gather yourself. Advice will only do good if you are ready to hear it. Without open ears and an open heart, you might as well grab a magic 8 ball, shake, read, and repeat until you are ready. Take stock of your situation and accept it. Have the strength to face it head on. If you are not there, take some time right now to ask God to help you get prepared to accept the advice you need.

So now you feel like you are ready. I applaud you. Some people live a life of never accepting where they are and end up carrying the baggage of their pain the rest of their life.

Thank you for having the courage to ask for the advice and the help you need.

Your adviser can be a professional counselor, pastor, or friend. Whoever it is, just be able to let them know everything about your situation. How can you expect honest advice without being honest with your adviser? If they do not know your true feelings and all that you know about your situation (not just what you want them to know), how can they give you the advice you need that will actually help you?

Just be willing to lay everything out before them. Listen with an open heart, open mind, and open soul. Be real with them so they can be real with you.

Remember, if you ask for advice, just be ready to get an earful.

You may just get the answers you need, not necessarily the answers you are looking for.

But now what?

You got this great advice, What are you going to do with it?

Comment below…… and be blessed!!

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Time

It is amazing how fast the last 7+ months have gone.

While I was having knee surgery, leaving a job of almost 17 years to start a travel business, spending the summer with my daughter so she didn’t have to go to summer camps every week, and generally feeling semi-retired; I realized one thing:

Time never stops and it will go on without you.

I hate the saying that time heals all wounds. That is a lie. Time does not heal.

Over time, you either do the things that will bring you to wholeness and healing, or you don’t. You may choose to bury your feelings or just react to whatever is going on today. You might just let life pass you by while you exist.

How do you spend your time? Do you use it, or do you lose it?

In a lot of ways, the last 7 months has been a huge success. I stepped out in faith to leave a very good paying job to work from home in a travel business while taking over some of the duties around the house to support our family. I am actively engaged in a new profession, have grown closer to my daughter at a very impressionable age, and helped my wife feel confident in being able to step into a career advancement that she would never have considered if things had remained the same.

In a lot of ways, the last 7 months have been a huge failure. I have neglected pouring into other people what I know they need through this blog, delayed writing a book that can help so many people, and not taken full advantage of opportunities to maximize the best use of the freedom I have had to do all that God has called me to do.

Now what? Maybe you feel the same way about your recent past.

The last thing any of us need to do is to dwell on the negative, the part of the past that has only produced worry, pain, loss, and discouragement. Just like our bodies, aging every day whether we like it or not, time keeps moving.

So what should I do with the negative? Learn from it and MOVE ON!! Realize the errors you made and do not repeat them. Don’t sit with those things that only want to remind you of your short-comings and where you missed it. You are stronger than that!! Just know that it is your daily choice to live with the problems of the past. There may still be consequences to deal with, but you can move through them with the help of God and others.

I have realized that the greatest step in faith I have ever taken since becoming a Christian, was during the last 7 months. I have grown closer to my wife and family while at the same time learning life lessons that I only dreamed would come years later.

Have I made the best use of my time the last 7 months? Yes and no.

If I had to do it all over again, would I change any of it? Yes and no.

Those are discussions that could go on forever……and I don’t have the time…;)

The question for you today is this— What are you going to do at this moment in time? It really is that simple. Good or bad, invest or waste?

What you do now will have more to say about your future than all the moments in the past. You cannot create your future today if you are making your today the past.If you choose to relive the past, get ready to relive the pain, regret, and heartache.

 

Take the precious time you have today to do whatever it takes to move on from your past.

TIME. Don’t give it away. Take it, and make it work for you. This very moment is already gone. Another one is here.

What are you going to do at THIS moment in time?

 

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Uninspired

UninspiredWhy am I awake at 2:30 in the morning? And why am I compelled to write a blogpost?

Actually, like a lot of folks dealing with divorce, we all go through times we feel like we need to do something, but have no idea what to do. Ever been there? Are you still there?

What is funny is that I really am uninspired to write tonight, but yet I feel like I need to.

I believe it is that part of me that knows that I just need to start and God will do the rest.

Some of the greatest times in my life have always been when I just feel like I need to do something but have no clue why or what to do. That blows every purpose-driven message you have ever heard out the window, right?

Do we really have to be inspired to do what we need to do? In most of times, yes. Sometimes, no.

What inspires you? Is it the look on your child’s face as they sleep in the middle of the night? Is it a sunrise or sunset? Is it a song, sermon, or a saying?

Whatever it is, you may not have it but a few times in your life; the ah-ha moment.

Now, what do you do when you don’t feel inspired? Isn’t that most of your life? Who really will admit they are inspired to work some days? How about mowing the lawn or doing laundry? Anyone???

It seems like for me that I need to let God direct me in those moments and times when inspiration is nowhere to be found. We all have things that we need to do, but that ‘push’ just doesn’t come.

In times like these, we need something to hold on to that will draw us into what God has for us.

For me, that is music. I just need to put on the headphones, find that song or artist that feels good, and enjoy it. There is something about music that just goes beyond your mind and settles in your heart and soul.

Another thing that helps is to change things up, get out of the routine. Right now, I am using my wife’s chair in order to get a different perspective. Not that the heat and massaging don’t help, but it is getting out of the norm of sitting in my own chair. Sometimes I will just go sit out in our sunroom, open the windows, and listen to the hum of the air conditioner drown out the birds chirping while having a coffee and enjoy my daughter watching the same episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants over and over and over……….

I guess the title is a little misleading because I have become inspired to write this post.

Of course, the chair and a middle-of-the-night quiet house can help inspire, what has truly inspired me is something that I cherish and value.

YOU!!

What inspires me more than anything is knowing that there are people that need encouragement or just a simple message of hope. What inspires me is knowing that we relate on a level that some people cannot fathom, and we hope they never have to experience divorce. What inspires me is knowing that you care enough to read and comment and share with myself and others about your life and thoughts.

Knowing that tomorrow is a day that has never happened before and never will again, kind of blows my mind. And you choose to be a part of mine.

So, THANK YOU for inspiring me!!!

Feel free to let me know what inspires you. I would love to know.

Be blessed!!

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Hope

Some days, no matter what is going on, you just need to know that there is hope. Hope in something. Anything, that will help with what you are feeling.

This new song and lyric video may just be the one thing that will get you through today. It was done by an American Idol alum, Danny Gokey. He has also written a book by the same title. Check out the information on Danny and his upcoming new album and book at www.dannygokey.com

I love this song so much, I may make it the official song of Divorce to Healing Ministry.

Proverbs 23:18 (NASB)

18 Surely there is a future,
And your hope will not be cut off.

Be blessed!!

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I Want to #$%@!$# SCREAM!!!!

Ok. Before I blow my witness, I should just gather my thoughts. Calm down, mister……

I am PISSED!!!

MAN, why does this happen?!?!?

I received a text today from a very close friend in my life. They told me that they found out what caused their co-worker to go to the hospital with chest pains on New Year’s Eve. You wanna know why?

They moved out this last weekend. They are now separated from their spouse.

&#$&!%$!@^&!@

I have no idea what kind of situation is going on. I only know of this person because it is a co-worker of my close friend and they found out the news.

I don’t know if there was infidelity. I don’t know how long they have been struggling. I don’t know if abuse was involved.

Will I seem insensitive if I say “I DON”T CARE WHY!!!!!!”?

This just has to stop. Am I the only person who thinks that people just take others and relationships for granted? NONSENSE!!!!!

OK, back to reality…. Serenity now…..Serenity now……

I am sorry. I must now know that the thing I am most passionate about in life is not making more money, reaching new levels of success in my career, or becoming famous.

I have a heart for those that have to deal with separation and divorce. And it sucks. It really does.

It sucks that I cannot help people before it happens. Of course, I would if I could. Or can I.

Maybe I am just a bleeding-heart with no real answers that just feels bad for people. Maybe I think I can help but I really can’t. Maybe because I am not educated in whatever brain science they teach in college and have a piece of paper on the wall, I am helpless to help those that are helpless.

I call BS on that!!!

I have been there and done that, TWICE!!! I have felt the pain, that stabbing in the gut, back, head, heart, and every other part of me. I know what it is like to hurt. I know what is like to love someone and have them just crap on your marriage.

I know even more after today that I need to find a way to be a practical and effective help to those that desire help. I know people would get help, if they actually want it and choose to value their relationship.

If you happen to be looking at this blog and have not yet, but are deciding if you need to get separated or a divorce, let me help you. Let others help you. Reach out to those who will tell you the hard truth, not just what you want to hear. Find someone that you can trust to give you life-changing advice that will save you from one of the most painful and hardest things you you can experience. Take time to think things through and get help. Don’t go it alone.

As a Christian, the ONLY way I could make it through was to let God take over my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I did everything in my natural strength to save my marriages. It didn’t work.

I can tell you and my wife will tell you too, my ex-spouses screwed up. I am a great guy who needed some time to learn how to be a husband, friend, and lover. I needed to learn to communicate and not just listen. I had things to improve, but in this microwave world of ‘you are not my soul mate and it’s been 5 days or 5 weeks or even 5 months’, it was convenient for them to just jump ship.

I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be and I know more and more each day that I never will be perfect.

That is not a reason to give up on a relationship.

(climbing down from my 100ft high soapbox)

Thanks for letting me rant. I just needed to vent. It really has helped me to see that I must do all I can to help those that want and need the help that I can give.

I will have some more blog posts coming soon. Hopefully, you will get something that you can use to help in your own journey.

Be blessed!!

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Who Needs a Hug?

baby hug photo: Step5.jpg

No matter what you are going through or how you are feeling at this moment, could you use a hug?

Even though you are just reading this on a screen and you may be all by yourself, lonely, depressed, or just needing someone to encourage you….here is a virtual hug for you.

Take a deep breathe, close your eyes, and hug yourself.

Know that you may not be with another person right now, but you are never alone. Someone else somewhere else is going through the same things you are going through and are there with you, just in a different place.

You may be lonely, but you have someone thinking about you, wondering how you are doing, praying for you. It may be a friend or a family member. It may be someone you don’t even know that is just knowing you are struggling. You have someone somewhere that cares.

God is always near. He will hold you in His arms. When you need a hug, just reach out to Him. He will comfort and hold you.

Be blessed!!

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5 Divorce Resolutions for 2014

2014 New Year

So many times when a new year comes around, we have a positive outlook and are excited for what lies ahead. Maybe this isn’t the start for you. Here are some suggestions to help you along your journey.

Resolve to give thanks for what you have

You are still here. You are still breathing. You may thought you have lost everything, but take a few minutes and write down all that you still have (family, friends, children, job, home, etc). It may not be what you were expecting or wanted, but some people would trade their lives for yours right now. How many things can you come up with? Write them down and look at them daily. Add to them as you think of more.

Resolve to think about and help others

Yes, you are still hurting and need healing, but so do so many others. By taking your eyes off of yourself from time to time will not only be a blessing to others, but you will heal in the process. Nothing helps a hurting heart more than allowing it to pour love out to those that need a helping hand (especially your children, if you have them).

Resolve to take care of yourself

Start making healthier decisions in your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life. You are not good for anyone else let alone yourself if you are sick, depressed, and bitter. Join a group or gym to get some exercise. Join a recovery group to work through the emotions you are dealing with so that you can move on. Read and study the Bible and books that speak life into your soul. It really does help.

Resolve to forgive

Choose to take the path of forgiveness instead of the path of bitterness. Holding onto painful thoughts and events from the past only imprison you, not the other person. I have heard that to forgive is to give up hope on a better past. Think about it. You can’t change the past, but you can change the present and the future. Let that dead past stay in the ground. You have a life to live. Go for it.

Resolve to take it one day at a time

Realize that every day you have a choice to make it a good day by the attitude you embrace. The sun will come up again and you can have a better tomorrow if you make today better. Today is your day. It is waiting for you to live it. Grab it and ride it.

I know you can have a great year. Do it by making today the day you resolve to be a better you!!

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Moving On

 

There comes a time when you realize the next step is to move on. As painful and hurtful of a season in your life that moving on is, change is inevitable sometimes.

I remember when I was at the lowest point in my life, the moment I realized that my marriage was in serious trouble. It was not over yet, but something inside of me told me,”Get ready to change.”.

I needed to talk to the pastor & asst. pastor at my church. It was a smaller church, yet full of loving people that cared deeply for me in my pain. I opened up and just poured out my heart to these men and shared things I had held on to for far too long. It was like pulling out the barb of a stingray from my heart, one that creates a puncture wound going in, but pulled out it rips a huge hole.

God gave me a statement in that time that I hold onto until this very day. In one moment, I felt a peace that is beyond words. It was straight from the heart of God to start the healing process in my heart, even though I was only separated at the time.

“Jesus and I are movin’ on.”

Words that penetrated deep into my soul. It was a statement that told me, God was with me. He was never going to leave me. He would never forsake me.

I realized that at any moment when I felt down or depressed, I could hold on to the words that God gave me. They were, and still are, a lifeline.

There are times in your life that people will let you down. They will not be there for you when you need them. Sometimes, that is the best thing for you, even though you think they should be there for you. But Jesus is always there.

The words include the word ‘and’. That means I need to be with Jesus. I know he never leaves me, but it means I need to be in a lifetime, life-changing relationship with Him to benefit from the peace He wants to pour out.

Movin’ on means that we are not staying in the pain and struggle we are in right now. I does not mean there will not be new struggles and troubles in the future, but it gets me looking forward toward the future and letting go of the past.

The past is just that, past you.

Did you ever think about why God put our eyes on the front of our head and not on the back? I believe it is because he does not wanting us to dwell on our past but to look forward towards what lies ahead.

When you realize that when change is coming and it needs to happen, hold on to something strong. Something that will not let you down.

And make sure you rent the moving truck with “Mom’s Attic” in the front. You always have more to move than you realize. 🙂

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Never Give Up!! (Holidays Edition)

Never Give UpIt is supposed to be the most joyous season of the year. And no, it is not the start of the NFL pre-season, when the kids return to school, or ever what the new Duck Dynasty episodes start again. (I may reconsider new Duck Dynasty, ….I will think about it.)

This is the time of the year when we have a strong desire to love and to spend time with our families, enjoy the decorations and the eggnog, and hopefully taking time to know the real meaning of Christmas. Sadly, it can be the most depressing and most dangerous time for someone dealing with divorce. I remember those days, and I would not wish them on my worst enemy.

Everyone has heard the stats about suicide and depression at this time of the year. It is very real and unless you have first hand knowledge, you don’t understand. The combination of loss, change, and unreal expectations get the best of people this time of year.

NEVER GIVE UP!!!

One of the funniest things I remember our daughter say when she realized she did not want to go to sleep and she was learning to talk is exactly that, NEVER GIVE UP!!

I don’t remember how or where she heard it, but there was that night when she just did NOT want to go to sleep. Having a baby monitor near the crib is priceless for piece of mind, but you hear the funniest things too.

She just kept saying “NEVER GIVE UP”. I can’t even remember how many times, but it took a while to stop laughing and quit making those noises you make when you try not to laugh.

Just like her, we need to have the attitude to not give up on our situation or on the things that are the right things to fight for.

It is more than just saying a phrase. It is all about having a drive and a will that causes you to speak life into your situation.

How do you get comfort for that brokenness you feel deep down in your soul when you finally realize this time of year is never ever going to be the same?

I believe that, more than ever, you must keep your thoughts, feelings, desires, and attention on Jesus like your life depends on it. Why? Because it does depend on it.

What do you say when your ex gets the kids around Christmas and all you want is to shower them with your love and attention along with gifts you know they will just go crazy when they see them?

When you have to say something to your kids or your ex about plans for the time around Christmas, remember that Jesus came and died for you, your ex, and your kids. That is what is important. This is the time of the year to celebrate the birth of a Savior, the One and only Son of God. It is about a gift.

Gifts are better given than received. As you get older, you realize that the true joy is giving the gift. To be able to bring joy and excitement to another person, no matter how big or small, is healing in itself. It heals us on the inside, at a soul level.

If you could have $1 million and the only stipulation was that you have to give it all away in denominations of no more than $100. How would you do that? Would you walk down the street and find a homeless person to bless? Would you make the red kettle bell ringer’s day when he opens the lid? Would you enjoy walking through the mall and just giving kids cash? How would you feel after doing that? How many people that can’t afford food or more than a simple present would see $100 as a life-changing amount? More than you might think.

In those times when you feel depression trying to take over, just know that Jesus never has and never will give up on you. You just need to make it through this moment and not give up. It is when we give up that depression, anxiousness, and all the negative feelings take over and “Scrooge” our lives. Don’t let it happen.

Do a few things for yourself.

1) Spend time reading God’s word. It is so full of peace and encouragement. Feed your soul words of truth, not seeds of depression.

2) Spend time with those you can, even if it is friends and not your family. Just do not stay alone. Make it known to at least one friend that you would love to spend a little time with them. Families will open their doors to friends that need someone to be around, but we must not be too proud to ask or inquire of them. If they don’t know, they may not invite you to join them.

3) Realize that this time will soon pass and you have so much to look forward to. Just like the wrapped gifts under the tree, you are never sure what the gift is until you unwrap it. God is giving you gifts all the time, daily. Just look for them. Open them. He wants you to know of His great love for you, especially in this season.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder who is reading this blog and I pray for you daily, that you truly know the love, peace, and joy that surpasses all understanding. You are never alone. God is with you, and I am praying for you.

Have a blessed Merry Christmas and a joyous holiday season.

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