The Healing Triangle

Think about a triangle. Any triangle. It may have different lengths and odd angles. It may be large or small. It may look different to each person, depending on how they look at it. Yet, there are certain characteristics of a triangle that each one has that are the same:

  1. They all started at a specific point.
  2. They all are created with 3 sides.
  3. They all end up at the original point, but from a different point of view.

There is a point in our life when things become extremely difficult and life-changing like divorce. There needs to be a change. We need to move away from that point. We need to create movement away from that specific point.

It is not easy. It takes energy and a decision to move forward. But what direction do I need to move? What if I head in the wrong direction?

I may present an unpopular point here, and I may take a little flack with it, but I think in the end it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that you move away from that point, in ANY direction.

Make a decision to move on, and then start moving.

Think about how you would draw a triangle. You start with your pen or pencil on a specific point and than you move away from that point in a straight line. Just get moving. Go. Move away from it. It is time to leave that point, and it starts with the decision and movement.

Create the first side of your healing triangle.

But you may ask, what if I head in the wrong direction? Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. What actually matters is that you start creating something new. Get moving.

When do you stop moving in that direction? It is different for everyone.

Just like every triangle can look different, so will your triangle. If you want that first side to be long to get as far away as you can from the specific point you are leaving, that is fine.

Sometimes the hurt and pain will cause you to head in a certain direction longer that others. You are on a journey that is meant only for you. You are unique and your healing will look different than anyone else’s healing.

There will come a time when you get tired of just moving away from that painful time in your life. You will realize that you are far enough away and it is time to make a shift. It may be to the left, it may be to the right.

Does it matter which way I turn? Again, it is your decision.

At this new point, it DOES matter which way you turn. You have to turn. You can’t just keep running away from that painful point.

You will come to the realization that if you just keep running from it, you will never be able to heal from it. You must be able to see that point from a different perspective. You need to start creating the second side of your healing triangle, and you must choose to turn right or left.

There are only two directions to choose from, right or left. Which direction will you take?

One direction leads you in a positive direction, one that will lead you to seek what good can come from your current situation. The other direction leads you in negative direction, one that will lead you down a path of negativity and an unhealthy mindset towards what happened and where you will ultimately end up.

Don’t make that decision without truly understanding which way you should turn. It will make a world of difference in the rest of your life. How will you heal from that point in your life that you would rather forget about and put behind you?

It does matter which way you turn. You will understand in a minute, how important this decision is and how it will change your whole life moving forward.

You are creating your first angle with this turn. Here is your next decision and another specific point in your life. It will change the direction of your life.

Choose Jesus. Choose the path towards the only one who can help you make sense of what happened. Choose the direction towards understanding and peace. Trust me. It is the best direction.

Yet, the decision is yours. When you truly see how much your life will be affected by taking the positive direction and how your healing triangle comes together, you will look back at this next specific point where you shifted your direction and be thankful you did.

You are now heading in a new direction. What kind of angle did you take?

A triangle is created by 3 angles and 3 sides.

The angle determines two things:

  1. Your commitment and trust to the healing process.
  2. Your faith in the healing process which determines how long it will take to heal.

Think about your healing triangle again. You are now creating that second side. You have committed to a change of direction, but at what angle?

Are you still heading away from that painful point in your life? Are you still running? Are you moving sideways, not wanting to hurt, but realizing that you need to stop running so you can address the pain before losing any more time?

Did you realize that the only way to move on is to take a sharp angle towards the understanding and truth that Jesus has for you? Do you trust Him and not yourself for the healing? The sharper the angle towards God will bring greater healing in a shorter time frame.

You can decide how long your healing will take by how sharp of an angle you take towards God and the healing He has for you.

Think about it. If you take a shallow angle and just put a little faith and commitment into your healing, you will end up having a much longer way to travel back to complete your healing triangle.

In order to complete a triangle, the second side leads to the second angle. That second angle is what you need to head towards completing your triangle.

The first angle determines your second angle.

The length of the second side (time spent before creating your second angle) is also a choice. How long do you want your second side to be? Everyone’s healing triangle is unique. It does take time. Don’t sweat it. Everyone’s healing times are different. Just don’t take forever to make your final decision. You will never complete your triangle until you do.

There will come that time when you are ready to look back at your original starting point because you want to complete your healing triangle, the healing process.

Here is where all of your decisions up to this point (the length of the first side, your decision to turn left or right, degree of that first angle, the length of the second side) all factor into the next step.

As you look back at that painful point in your life, you need to go back there to complete your healing triangle. Let me explain:

You need to be able to see what happened to you from a different perspective.

Your first angle determines how far you still have to go to complete your triangle. It also determines how sharp of an angle you now need to take in order to complete your triangle as well.

How long you took until you decided to turn (your second side) and face your past with a new perspective determines how much more time you have to complete your triangle.

Are you ready? Have you decided it is time to address the pain from a new perspective?

Let’s back up to your first angle: Did you take right turn? Did you choose the correct direction to turn? Are you heading back towards your painful past with understand, truth, and peace you received in the healing process from God? Did you make the wrong turn?

Before you finally connect the dots and complete your triangle, make sure you are seeing your pain through the grace, mercy, love, acceptance, healing, peace, and understanding of the only one who can heal a broken heart :Jesus!!

If you took the wrong turn, that is ok. Stop. Turn back. Return to where you made the wrong decision and create a new angle. Do it more than once if needed.

You need to see your pain from a positive direction with the eyes of God if you are ever going to fully and completely be healed from your pain. Trust me. It is the only way you will fully be able to move on without the baggage and unresolved issues that divorce or other painful event has caused you.

Did you take a positive, Godly angle when you were done running? Are you ready to complete your triangle?

Realize that whatever angle you took and the length of time you spent before making your second angle doesn’t really matter in the scheme of healing. It may add time and some uncomfortable times before you complete, but you are doing it; YOU ARE HEALING!!

Make the decision to head back to that painful point. With your new Godly perspective, make your second angle and connect the dots.

See your pain through God’s eyes. You can’t change it. It happened. It was painful.

As you complete your triangle, it may still hurt, but as you close your triangle know that healing is being completed. It may not feel like it, but it is. God is healing you. You decided how long and at what angles your healing took, but God brought you back here; to the point of your pain.

Complete your triangle. Let God hold your hand as you complete it. Ask Him to heal you completely as you trust Him to finish the work.

It is ok to shed tears. It is ok to still not understand why. It is ok. You will be ok.

You took the angle that led towards God and brought you back to the most painful point of your life with a fresh, Godly perspective; one that includes truth, peace, and understanding.

You are healed. Thank Him for healing you.

Give God the glory as you now move forward into all that He has for you.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” — Romans 8:28

Be blessed!!

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A Song Story

So many times while we proceed down the road to healing from divorce, you wonder about so many things. You wonder so much sometimes that it makes you question your own existence.

This is a story behind the amazing song, “Wanted”, recently released by Danny Gokey. He and the co-songwriter provide so much insight and wisdom for everyone to help them through the hard times. I don’t know what else I can add.

Here is the full video:

God loves you.

You are Wanted.

Be blessed.

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Who Am I?

She just left me, slamming the door in my face.  He screamed at me, “I don’t love you any more!” while hanging up on me.  Now what?  Is this really happening?

When marriages get to this point, it tears at every part of you.  Words that should be spoken in love and grace are usually shouted with anger and pain.  “How can they say things like this?”

Attacks of all kinds, specifically verbal attacks, chisel away at the very fiber of our being.  They erode the foundations that our lives have been built upon for years….and now this.

Where does that leave us?  We question our relationships. We question why we did what we did.  We question why someone we are/were in love with hurts us in ways we never thought could hurt this bad.  We question so many insignificant things that sometimes don’t have anything to do with the issues at hand.  Why?

At the root of all the questions lies two separate and distinct forces rubbing together, like the tectonic plates that cause earthquakes.  And that is what is happening; an earthquake in your very soul!!

There are two massive forces grinding against each other, colliding and smashing against one another causing so much friction and heat that it results in a reaction at the surface.

One force is taking all of the angry words, pain caused by infidelity and abuse, and unfulfilled expectations and driving it against the other force which holds the words spoken in love, mercy and grace through all the failures, and dreams that have come true.  It is a battle of good vs bad.  It is a struggle of truth vs lie.

The plates that are grinding together, fighting for your identity are simply this:

  1. What others say and think about you (including yourself)
  2. What God says and thinks about you (your true self)

When our thoughts about ourselves get to the point where we question who we are and what we have become, we have taken our eyes off of God and put them on ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong. It is good to reflect on ourselves and do some self-inventory to be aware of how we are processing issues in our lives. It is a good thing, but too much of self leads to disaster. Going over every little problem to the nth degree will only drive us crazy.

When someone cheats on us or abandons us, it causes pain and hurt.  It truly attacks our self-image with feelings that are negative towards what we see in the natural. They attack what we think about ourselves and how we believe others see us as well.

Choices of others should not dictate how you feel about yourself, but they do.  Why?  Because we are human.

We are living in a fallen world with a fallen system trying to be controlled by fallen people falling into fallen decisions that just cause us to want to fall into our bed and stay there.  Don’t let someone else’s fallen decisions make you believe something about yourself that is untrue.

Don’t let their failures cause you to create more mistakes that you will be responsible for in the future.  Two wrongs do not equal a right.

If you made mistakes, own up to them and do everything you can to correct the situation so you can be better.  If you can improve in areas like communication, work/life balance, or personality development, by all means do it.  Make those changes to be a better person because you need to be better, not just because someone hurt you.  You need to be the best you for your own well-being; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When we believe things about ourselves that contradict what God thinks about us, we need to change.  He need to know what God says about us and see ourselves through His eyes.

God knows we are human.  He created us that way.  He sees all of our faults, weaknesses, and mistakes.  He knows.  Yes, He knows it all…….even that thing you are thinking about right now.  And He loves you anyway.

That is why we need more of Jesus EVERY DAY!!  We need to spend time in His Word, giving Him back some of the time He has given us.  God gave you this day.  He gives you every breath you take and the life you have right now (as messed up as it may seem).  He is just wanting a little bit of your time so He can help you with whatever you are dealing with today.

What does God think about you?

“For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11.

“Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!” Psalm 139:16-17.

Will God give up on you?

“Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9.

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39.

So now what, God?

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10.

“Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4.

God loves you in ways I could never even describe.  What He thinks about you rubs up against the lies of the enemy coming against you from the words and actions of those not in alignment with what God knows about you.

Don’t waste one more minute of your life believing something about you that God doesn’t believe about you.  You are just causing an aftershock of the earthquake that has already happened.  The earthquake is over.  Don’t let the effects continue.

There will be minor aftershocks until the plates give up their pressure.  Believe me… God is a loving, patient, and powerful God and no lies of the enemy or people who want to tear you down are more loving, more patient, and more powerful than Him.

Take one day at a time (with Jesus).  Hold on to what is strong (Jesus).  Don’t believe lies and half-truths about yourself.  Believe what God KNOWS about you.

You were created by a loving God.  You are loved with an everlasting love.  You will be recover from this earthquake over time as you walk hand in hand with the One who holds it all together, Jesus!!

Be blessed!!

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What Happens to a Tear

Have you ever thought what happens to your tears?

After learning of yet more friends of mine telling me that they are having to navigate the rapids of divorce, I pondered this very thought. While spending some time alone with God on the beach after the beginning of the new year, I couldn’t help but wonder….

Is the ocean full of tears? How about the river or a lake? When you turn on the tap to wash the dishes, is it filled with lost hopes and dreams?

In Psalms 56:8, David wrote “You have kept count of my tossings (wanderings), put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”. With that he is saying that God knows about our tears and he has them. If he knows how many hairs are on your head, he knows how many tears you have shed. He knows, and He cares.

In the physical realm, the tear has to go somewhere.

We have all seem the Water Cycle chart that shows how water moves here on earth.

  1. Evaporation
  2. Condensation
  3. Precipitation
  4. Collection

Whether you wipe your tears on a tissue, your hand, or let it drop to the floor, it leaves you. It now has been collected somewhere. Evaporation will eventually happen. It will then combine with other moisture and eventually come back to earth somewhere,  maybe in that water bottle you just took a sip from a moment ago. Maybe it becomes a part of the next thunderstorm or snowstorm that hits.

It may seem far-fetched and a little out there to think this, but while I stared out at the Atlantic Ocean, I couldn’t shake the thought that the joy and pain of others that produced those tears could be right past my beach chair. In the same ocean that I receive peace and joy from sitting and watching the waves gently crash upon the shore, who’s tears are bringing me that peace and joy? What are their stories? Have they found peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding? A peace that heals and brings wholeness to their spirit, soul, and body?

I believe in some way, we are all connected by our mutual experiences, good and bad through the tears we shed in pain and joy. We sympathize and empathize with those that need a shoulder to collect those tears and rejoice with those that are celebrating victory and success.

Just like the many tears I have shed over failed relationships, situations, and pain, God has used them to renew others in ways I will never be able to comprehend. My experiences and obedience to allow God to use me to encourage and counsel others on His indescribable love has allowed my tears to be refreshment to others.

The tears you have shed will eventually refresh others, one way or another. Maybe you cried in their beer and then it may be sooner than later. 🙂 Maybe you will be able to tell your story to a friend or family member that is going through exactly what you have gone through.

In many ways, your tears eventually bring forth new life and helps sustain life in lives and the world around you. It may not feel like it while you are shedding the tears. Trust me. They will.

It you feel like sharing your story, I would love to hear it. I am sure many others all over the world would be encouraged to hear about you and how your tears could bring them hope in their troubled times. Just leave it in the comments. I read them all.

Know that God is holding record of all of your tears and He wants to be your answer to what has caused your tears.

He loves you more than you will every know. He has an open shoulder and welcome arms.

Be blessed!!

 

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It Goes Away

Sometimes it feels like the pain you are feeling will never go away. Some days it is too much to bear. It goes away.

I had a dream last night about my ex-wife. It was surprising, but I know there was a reason for me having that specific dream. Do I know for sure why? No, but I choose to let God understand while I obey.

In the dream, my ex-wife and I never expected to see each other again. We tried to play dumb with the other people around. They asked if we knew each other and we came clean. Nothing more about the dream really meant anything, other than it was set in a tv cop show setting and we were a part of a sting operation. She ended up being undercover and was caught up with the bad guys when the sting went sideways. The dream ended with them on the run.

I dream maybe 5-10 nights a year so it is rare for me. It took a few minutes to register. When I dream about someone, I feel that it is God’s way of saying “Pray for (whomever)”.

Why did I pray for my ex-wife when she is the person who hurt me deeper than anyone else in my life? Because I believe God put her on my mind to pray for her. Simple as that. It may be her or her family’s health. Maybe someone passed away. Maybe she lost a job. I don’t know, but if I believe God wants me to pray, I need to pray.

What did I pray for? That she and here family are ok physically, healed and whole. I prayed that they would experience God in a fresh, new way and that they would be blessed.

18 years ago she ripped my heart out, trampled on it, and threw it in my face as she laughed and walked away. At least that is how it felt.

How could i pray for her now? Because I allowed God to heal me completely. It took time, but by being open to the Word of God, it allowed the Holy Spirit to mend up the wounds of my heart and mind. I made a choice to love God and be obedient to what I feel He calls me to do, including praying for my ex-wife if He wants me to.

It also allowed me to check how my healing is doing after all of these years. If I still felt pain, anger, or any other feeling other than thankfulness for His grace, mercy, and love; I need to deal with that.

Time doesn’t heal wounds, a faithful and honest relationship with Jesus does!!

Most of you that are reading are newly divorced or still within a few months or years of your divorce. How would you deal with a dream about your ex?

My prayer for you is that you continue down the path of healing and wholeness that God has for you. It takes time, tears, forgiveness, and God’s love to get there.

It goes away.

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Prayer Project: Day 16 “Pain”

Day 16:  “Pain”  Jesus gave us the answer for pain. He allows us to feel it to draw our attention to the wounds in our lives and also provides the salve for the soul. Don’t just curl up and feel the pain, get some relief.

Resource list:

Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness Reading Plan

Divorce to Healing: Survive and Thrive Reading Plan

Divorce to Healing Blog

Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness Book

I Have A Heavy Heart

"Nine Minutes After Sundown." Photo from 1,500' over Decatur Island, looking to the Southwest, Lopez Island, and the Olympic Peninsula. Photo by Jeffery A. Lustick

I have such a heavy heart right now.

You think that after almost 14 years after my second divorce that I would finally have the healing and wholeness that God wants me to have. You would think that I would have changed and grown in every part of my life to the point that divorce and all the pain and hurt that comes from it could not or should not affect me any more.

Well,…………I was wrong!! 😦

 

God has brought me total and complete healing in virtually every part of my whole being. Actually to be honest, I AM completely healed from all that happened to me. But, God saw fit to leave a deposit behind in me. And I am not sure if I am up for the task.

I am sitting here in tears as I am trying everything I can to help a good friend and brother in Christ deal with all he is going through.  I just want to give him a hug. One of those, “It gets better” or “I know because I have been there” kind of hugs. But I can’t.

I pray and pray and pray for God to reveal Himself to my friend and show him that he is loved, by the only One who IS love!!!

I ask God to give me the words to speak life to him. How can a mere mortal, as well-meaning and experienced as I am, compare to what he really needs? He needs a healed heart. A healed soul. Real hope.

What I just realized is that divorce has changed me forever.

God left me with a scarred heart. It is fully healed, but it shows the wounds and the proof of prior battles.

God left me with a tender heart. It is sensitive to the touch for those dealing with divorce. It hurts when they hurt; it bleeds when they bleed.

God has left me with a hopeful heart. It is praying that the only true hope called Jesus Christ can reach you, me, and all those needing hope.

God has left me with a joyful heart. It is thankful for all that He has done in my life; the healing that only God can give and the wholeness that lets me carry on for one more day, living a life of purpose.

God has left me with a heart…………for you.

Pray for my friend as I pray for all of you.

A free devotional called “Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness” is available to all my readers here.

You can order you own copy of the book, “Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness” from Amazon here.

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