This Is Not What I Asked For

Separation? Divorce? Pain? Financial Ruin? Loss?

Today at church, our pastor started a new series called “This Is Not What I Asked For”.

Wow!! What a way to get me to finally update the blog with a new post.

I couldn’t help but be taken back in my mind to when I was left broken hearted and betrayed. Twice. I did not plan for that. I did not want that. I did not ask for that.

I am sure if you are not in that place right now, you have experienced those feelings in the past. I am right there with you again.

God has a way of taking us to our past to move us forward from our present to His future.

As God reminds me of those things that I have long since forgotten and been healed from, I have a fresh desire to help you through your struggles and healing process.

I have become too comfortable and busy in my own life and with my own family. I have been making plans and living life far removed from the pain where I once lived.

In many ways, that should encourage you. It has been over 18 years and I can tell you that taking God’s hand and letting him heal me completely was the greatest thing that has ever allowed me to move forward. It is the only way to fully and completely overcome what you are going through today.

Yet, it has allowed me to try to make plans that do not include my passion; helping others. I have been failing that part of the reason I experienced all of the pain and suffering.

I have given God the glory for the healing, yet not moved on into the fullness that He has had for me. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have made.

My plans in life of getting married and living happily ever after didn’t happen. Twice. Now after being happily married for over 18 years and experiencing my greatest life to this point, it is not enough.

My wife and I are more in love and growing more in love every day. We have 2 beautiful children and are recently new grandparents of a little grand-daughter. Yet, these were not my plans.

This is not what I asked for. It is actually what God has blessed me with, even though I messed up so many times and chose my plans. I didn’t need to experience that, but I am so thankful for what I have now.

This might be confusing. It looks like from the outside I have it all.

I never experienced divorce as a child. My parents are still together and a blessing to all of us kids. I grew up in a together home. Not perfect, but together and loving.

THAT is what I asked for when I got married. But that is not what I got. I got cheated on and abandoned. I got treated like the bad guy. My plans got dismissed and trashed like a left over gum wrapper.


I am now much closer to what I asked for. Helping you is also a part of that.

It is ok to realize that the plans we make fail. It may be our fault and it may not. It may be through a tragic loss, abuse, adultery, or a large number of reasons. We are human. We are not perfect, and neither are the people in our lives.

It is ok to make plans and strive every day to make those plans work. My wife and daughter are huge planners. They love making a plan and completing it. If it wasn’t for plans we would not have raised skyscrapers or put a man on the moon. I can guarantee you that NONE of those things happened with out a change of plans.

A rough draft is just that; rough. The best plans are those that figure in all the contingencies, yet are able to flex and adapt to the changes needed. Even final plans end with a punch list where you need to dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s before the plans are complete.

God has plans for you and your life.

I am still learning this after over 25 years of marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, and marriage.

We can’t change the past, yet we can learn from it as we heal from it with Jesus!!

I want to encourage you today to know that God’s plans for you are the BEST plans for you.

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

What are your plans? Are they YOUR plans, or are they GOD’s plans?

Know that God loves you and is ready and willing to share His plans for you as you spend time in His Word, praying, worshipping Him, and being around your church family through a group and attending in person or online.

The ultimate plan changer is the One who has the Master plan.

Interesting why that is the name of the plan, isn’t it?

Here is a link to the message from Pastor John Wyatt with Celebration Church from Jacksonville, FL if you would like to see it:

Be Blessed!!

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What Next?

What do you do when you look at your marriage, family, or home and all you see is a pile of rubble?  Do you just want to cry and give up?  Is it even worth the time and effort to do anything but just leave and never look back?

Jesus knows.  He sees you right there in the midst of the decay and destruction.  He wants you to know that He knows.  He saw what happened.  He knows how it happened.  He knows how you feel.  He wants to walk through all of this with you.

Allstate says ” You’re in good hands with Allstate”.

State Farm says, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there”.

Good marketing, lousy counseling.

God says, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”.  Heb 13:5b

God says, “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you”.  Psalm 9:10

I suggest you jump into the arms of Jesus and know that God is always with you, not just until a claim is paid and your rates go up.

Healing from divorce and separation is not a simple 10 step plan to wellness.  A fancy flowchart is not going to make you feel any better.

You are on a journey that is unlike any other’s journey that has ever experienced a breakup.  You may or may not have children.  You may or may not have been the cheater or the one that was cheated on.  Every relationship and divorce is different.

It is hard telling you what to do next.  I don’t know what specifics you would tell me about your situation if we could chat over an Orange Ginger Herbal Tea at Panera. (Very good!!)

First, I would give you a hug.  So many times, all people need is someone to be the physical expression of Jesus giving you a shoulder to cry on and a gentle hug to make you know that someone cares.

Second, I would listen to you.  I would let you get it all out.  Tell me how horrible that %@$!^#%@ is and how they have made your life a living hell.  I would be patient and actively engage you as you explain your side of the story.  You need to tell it in a safe and protected environment, getting a release from some of the pressure you feel.

Third, I would want you take stock of what you have and the blessings you still enjoy today. Right now, you are breathing, and whether you realize it or not, that is a miracle!!  God wants you to live and to experience His love while you move through this difficult time.  You still have purpose and a reason to be here on earth.  If you have a roof over your head, a job, children, and other family and friends to be around, then you have something a lot of people do not have.

Fourth, I would suggest whatever professional help you need, even if it’s just a few discussions with a pastor or someone in a care ministry at your local church.  See a therapist (preferably a Christian) that understands not just the mental issues that you are facing, but can address everything from a perspective of your spiritual well-being as well.  We are a 3-part being; spirit, soul, and body  God’s perspective is beyond human knowledge. Why wouldn’t you ask for His help?

Fifth, I would encourage you to be around other positive, Godly people who will tell you the truth in love and walk this road with you.  It is hard to hear hard things about us sometimes, but a true friend that hurts a little is better that someone telling you half truths and just wants to tell you what you want to hear.

Sixth, I would help you to discover a simple, inexpensive stress reliever (not drugs or alcohol). Maybe start using adult coloring books, learn cross-stitching, grab a fishing pole and find a new fishing spot, read a book instead of watching tv, take up gardening, volunteer at church or in the community, or anything else that will occupy your mind on something other than what you tend to stress about.

Seventh, I would encourage you to start dreaming again.  It may seem strange and you may not feel like it, especially now, but if you aren’t looking forward to something positive, you will naturally sink back or remain stuck where you are.  Don’t be the nation of Israel and keep going around the same mountain for 40 years.  Trust in God’s Word and have faith in Him as He leads you to a new land that will be beyond what you could ever imagine.

Eighth, I need you to be realistic.  You can’t change the past.  You can’t make someone love you.  You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.  People can be hurtful, destructive, and absolutely crazy.  That includes you and me.  We are all human.  You may never know why.  You may never fully understand how God is going to make anything good come from this.  That is okay.  It is not your job to know everything, but it is your responsibility to lean on Jesus and allow His Holy Spirit to fill in the gaps.

Ninth, I would pray for you out loud, placing a hand on your shoulder while I ask the God of the universe to come and invade your life.  I would ask Him to bring His Holy Spirit to dwell inside of you, filling the empty spaces and flowing through every part of your spirit, soul, and body.  I would pray that you are refreshed, renewed, and made new each day as the sun rises.

Tenth, I would tell you the most important thing that I can ever tell anyone experiencing separation and divorce; nothing YOU can ever say or do can ever make you whole.  NOTHING.  Only God and a growing relationship with Him through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus can bring the peace, comfort, healing, love, joy, fulfillment, forgiveness, and life that will bring you a total and complete wholeness.  Everything else is only a simple, partial, fractured feeling of relief until you fully understand the depth of love God has for you.

Don’t settle for anything less than what God has for you.

Accept His love.  Accept His open arms.  Accept His grace and mercy.  Accept Jesus.

I created 31 short prayer videos.  They are based on the 31 topics taken from the Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness book and reading plan.  Feel free to join me as I  pray for you on any of those specific issues or topics. Use this link to go to my YouTube channel.

What do you know?  Maybe there is a 10 step plan….

Be blessed!!

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Sometimes things just happen.  Sometimes you can fix the damage.  Sometimes there is a death.  Sometimes you walk away praising God that He protected you.

Today I heard a message from my pastor that wrecked me, in a good way.  It opened my eyes to things from my past that has caused pain and issues in my past relationships.  I can honestly say God protected me in ways I can only see now, many years later.  In other ways, He brought up issues in my recent past and my present that I still need to deal with moving forward.

How do you handle the ‘wrecks’ of life?  If you are reading this blog, chances are it is the wreck of divorce or separation that has brought you here.  How are you handling it?

Are you sitting in the wreck, awake but in severe need of rescue?  Are you in pain and needing rehabilitation?  Are you recovering, but scared of what the future holds or if you ever want to get back in another vehicle (relationship)?  Wherever you are, it is ok.  God is with you, He loves you, and He wants to help you.

I wonder sometimes how many of you would want me to tell you to do more, give you more specific advice, and provide more direction.  I feel at times I need to do a better job of that, and I will.  My plan is to post more detailed encouragements and helps in the future.

I do believe that God wants to tell you Himself, in the perfect way that only He can do.  You will NEVER get any advice from any human being that is greater than the wisdom God can give.  I don’t care how many initials are after the person’s name, how many degrees and awards they have, or how high their IQ/EQ shows up on a test.

Job 12:13 (NLT)   “But true wisdom and power are found in God; counsel and understanding are his.”

I am always humbled by how many people I have been able to help over the years through leading marriage and divorce groups, providing Divorce to Healing Reading Plans on the YouVersion Bible app, and private discussions with people to help them out and on from the wrecks in their lives.  And that is why I feel wrecked now.

I realized today that I need to double, triple, and infinitely double down on what God has called me to do, which is to help those that need help at one of the toughest times in their life.  I will and I must because like you, God is calling me out of the wreck.  He is calling us all to move closer to Him and into what He has for us.

I am so looking forward to our futures together.  Take a few minutes and ask God where you are in the process of healing.  Ask Him what the next steps need to be.  Move into what He has for you, even if at this moment is to get over the shock of the wreck, unbuckle your seat belt, and survey the damage.

How can I help you in this process?  Feel free to leave me a comment and I will do my best to respond in person as soon as I can.

PRAYER:  Father God, may we all reach towards your helping and healing hands in this time of wreckage and damage.  We give you our lives and ask that you lead us today into the next step of the plan you have for us.

Be blessed!!

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