When you are going through a divorce, there are so many things you have to deal with — Emotions, financial issues, custody, loneliness, etc… It seems like it will never end.
During this time, too many people do not take the time to make sure they have filters in their lives that will help them through the healing process. Remember, filters are what stop the damaging elements that keep you from efficiently and purposefully working toward what is next, without breaking down.
There are so many different types of filters that we need, but I want to bring a different twist to this discussion.
The types of filters you need are:
1) Filters you ADD, 2) Filters you CHANGE, 3) Filters you REPLACE
ADD
When was the last time someone told you, “Maybe you should think about changing _______ about yourself” or “Have you thought that maybe things like this wouldn’t happen to you if you just ________”?
Do you need to ADD a filter?
Boundaries and limits are more often for our good than to deny us the chance to do something. When you have a correct set of values that you live by, it actually promotes freedom and will keep you from a lot of harmful situations.
A boundary of not having sex outside of marriage (filter) is one that so many people choose to ignore, especially after or during a divorce. All we want is someone to love and to be physical with, We may want to prove to ourselves that we are worth the affections of another. I would say you are, but not in this way. I am surprised by how many people will just get intimate with the first person that gives them any kind of attention, especially if they know you are not currently in a relationship. It may start innocent enough as friends or even old friends that come back around, but before you know it, you wonder, “How did that happen?”.
It is a lack of a filter that will keep you from that piece of dirt that flies in and just wants a little somethin’-somethin’ then moves along after you realize it is just you being needy.
If that is too harsh, I am sorry. I choose to think you are much more valuable than a one-night stand or a fling. A rebound relationship is one that does just that, bounces the emotions when what you need is stability.
Another filter to add could be a family/friend filter. You know, those folks around you that say, “Just get over it. It happens all the time. No big deal. I know a guy/gal………”. They mean well, but make sure the family & friends you choose to have around you and speak into your life, actually want what is best for you, not just what is good for them or what society says. If the divorce rate is around 50%, seems to me that a ton of people have no idea what is going on. They just want someone to join them at the bar next Saturday or they need you to watch their kids, now that you have “time”.
What kind of filters to you need to ADD to your life? Will you not date for 1 year after the divorce to allow yourself time to heal? Will you not go to the places and do the things that you know you shouldn’t do, like bar hopping with the girls? Will you be a man of principle and treat any future relationship with a lady like you should, as a gentleman and one who will actually live a life of honor?
CHANGE
Sometimes we have filters in our lives like the ones in our furnace, cheap and inexpensive. You get what you pay for.
Pricing out furnace filters at your local store can be eye-opening. They range from $3-$25 a piece. Why such a difference and why should I pay more for the same size of filter?
It is all about the effectiveness of the materials within that filter. The one you can almost see through does filter some of the bad stuff but so many of the little contaminants just go right through it. The filters on the high end will capture & stop 99.9% of anything bad flying around in the air, including dust, smoke, viruses, and things you can’t even try to see unless you have a microscope.
So, do you have filters you need to change, or upgrade? How about the rule that you will only have 3 beers at the bar with your buddies, that usually end up being 5+ and not really remembering how many? How about talking on the phone or online with someone and saying things that you know you wouldn’t ever say if you weren’t just seeking approval from someone? How about the tv shows you watch or the music you listen to? Are those things getting right through that cheap see-through filter? Maybe it is time to CHANGE that filter & give your heart the protection it needs to start healing correctly.
REPLACE
After a while, without us even noticing, filters get gunked up. They get filled with the things that will destroy our lives. We need to check them regularly and find out when they need to be replaced.
A clogged filter is almost worse than not having one in this way; it chokes off the airflow (life). The air/oil/fuel that carries what the machine needs to operate needs to get through. A plugged filter will just hinder the fuel that you need to heal. It will cause backups and starve the machine (heart/soul) until it malfunctions, too.
A plugged filter does you no good, but a fresh filter will restore the vitality and effectiveness of the fuel for healing.
You are not a bad person for having a full filter. Everyone needs to take time to evaluate and reestablish the filters they have and realize if they need an adjustment. We get bogged down with every day life. Don’t let it sneak up on you and choke the very lifeblood you need to move forward.
Take some time. Calm down long enough to evaluate your situations.
Do you have the right filters in place? Are they the right kind of filters? Do you need to replace your filters, if they are filled?
By setting safe boundaries and managing them instead of just letting life happen, you will start to gain more confidence and peace that things will get better. Trust me.
Take the high road. Be honorable. Know that you are worthy to have a great life. You have a value that no money can buy. Live that truth.
Divorce to Healing 