Tag: Christ

Leaning

Leaning

 

The more I think about the topic of leaning and after studying a little of the history of the amazing Leaning Tower of Pisa (page here), it just gives me more and more to talk about.

When I think about divorce and what it takes to recover, it seems like the various stages have different postures. In the beginning, you feel like you are knocked down and laying on the floor. As you try to stand up, you get to your knees and wobble while falling back to the ground. As you start to get up, you are unstable and more than anything, you need something to steady you. It is now when leaning comes into focus.

We don’t give it much thought, but the act of leaning is actually a proof of trust being reestablished in your life. You are reaching out for help and accepting it. You are looking for stability and when you find something worthy, you will lean on it.

Have you ever thought of what you are leaning on? What characteristics does it have and why do you trust it?

Some things you lean on cannot handle the weight you are putting on it. Some things are not meant to be leaned upon. Some things do not have a foundation that allows it to be stable when you try to lean against it.

In the story about the history of the Leaning Tower, it is interesting that they make the statement that it was only one human mistake that caused an ongoing and permanent condition. It talks about how the foundation was only 3 (yes, only 3) feet deep and built upon a plot of land that had weak clay. As the weight of the building over time exposed the problem, it caused many issues and numerous delays in the completion of the tower as well as the use for the tower. Everything was different, because of just one major human mistake.

Now, if we are honest, in marriage there is more than just one major mistake that leads to divorce. It is truer that it is the combination of many smaller issues and than one large one that breaks the camel’s back. It doesn’t take away from the severity or importance of the one big human mistake, but it may be the weight that caused the foundation of your marriage to be altered forever.

If you are going to trust or lean on something, it needs to have a foundation that can handle that burden or weight you need to put on it. It needs to be stable and fully capable to help you as you lean on it to learn to stand on your own.

Until I fully had nothing else to lean on and realized that Jesus was the only One that could handle all of the weight and pain I had, I was trying to steady myself. It didn’t work. I was like a 1-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. On a good day I was ineffective, unable to get stable, and always on the ground feeling defeated. I know, I was there.

People can act like they are wise enough to lean on, but only those grounded and stable themselves can offer any stability to you. Even that is not enough for long term stability. I choose to trust God and let everything add to what He can give me in moving forward.

Another interesting thought is how after realizing the architect for the Leaning Tower made a huge mistake, it took a hundred years before they even started to complete the tower. At the time, they thought they could correct things and made adjustments, but to no avail. They did not address the foundation.

Are you sensing a point here?

You are only as solid as your foundation. What is your foundation and is it solid? Can it hold the weight you are bearing and needing help holding up? A foundation without Jesus is only a stone tower built on clay.

In time, the Leaning Tower was finally stabilized and now safe enough to climb and be next to it without the chance of it collapsing. It still leans (consequences of mistakes made), but it is now considered a World Heritage Site and one of the most treasured buildings in the world.

You can have that kind of foundation and be a wonder to those around you. Get your foundation right and lean on it as you grow stronger.

A free devotional called “Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness” is available to all my readers here.

Be blessed!!

 

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I Am Humbled

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I just found out today that in less than 2 months since the release, over 2000 people have downloaded the free Reading Plan from the YouVersion Bibile app and over 350 have already completed the full 31 days. WOW!!

The reason I wanted to share this with you is to show you that by letting God use your past to heal your present, He will give you a future you could never imagine.

In those moments that seemed like ages when I could hardly see beyond the day, my future was not even close to being a thought. The only future I was worried about was if I could make it to tomorrow.

When I felt so strongly that God wanted me to step out on this project, I did everything I could to try to explain it away or not to do it. God had other plans.

The plan was YOU!!!

For the ones that needed a word of encouragement. For the ones that needed wisdom to make the tough choices. For the ones that needed hope for tomorrow. God made me realize that you needed what He wanted to speak through me to you.

So today I just wanted to be excited for you, the ones who have joined us on this journey. I also want to ask you to join us if you haven’t yet. The link to the free reading plan is below. We would be so honored to have you join the Divorce to Healing family.

I would also love to hear your thoughts, comments, and questions about the plan or just anything that you want to share about the blog or how anything you care to say. Just let me know. I would love your thoughts.

And remember, you never know how your awesome your tomorrow can be if you don’t heal from your past today.

The direct link to the FREE Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness is here!!

Be blessed!!

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Divorce Is Not A Marriage Mulligan

Mulligan

 

For all the golfers out there, you know what a mulligan is. For those unaware of what a mulligan is, I will describe it in one word: Do-over.

A mulligan in golf is when you are given another shot to make up for the one you just hit into the water or shanked into the woods. I should know because I have used them many times. Thankfully, I was not trying to qualify for the US Open or a local tournament. Maybe after not golfing for a few years, my “skill” of hitting it right in the wrong spot has fixed itself. (I highly doubt it!!)

In a regular round of golf, you will tee off 18 times. If you walk up to the first tee and proceed to knock the ball straight down the fairway, you expect the round to go pretty good. It is like waking up in the morning and it’s all sunshine and rainbows. If you walk up to the first tee and smash it 300 yards, but 150 yards to the right into the trees, Lord have mercy!! (Can I just take a mulligan?)

In all of my years helping people with relationships and the issues pertaining to divorce, I hear the terms “Starter Marriage” and “Practice Relationship”. Sorry folks, but it doesn’t work that way. Unlike in sports, you must make the best with what you have. Play it where it lies.

Hitting a horrible shot off the first tee or chunking a wedge that ends up blowing your ball over the green into the water is a lot like the tragedy of a divorce. It causes words to be blurted out that should never be said. Destruction to the offending club could rend it useless and only worth the trash can when you get back to the clubhouse. If you can’t find the ball or lost it in the lake, now you are out the money for the ball too, along with additional stokes as a penalty, unless you take a mulligan.

But if you care about the spirit of the sport of golf, the role honesty and playing by the rules plays, you will record the appropriate score and move on. It is about doing what is right and taking the high road. Accepting the consequences. Moving forward.

This message could be applied in two ways:

1) If you are married (and possibly contemplating separation or divorce), realize it is just a bump in the road and you can recover. Many times, golfers overcome a bad shot or even a series of shots to win the tournament. It is fortitude and determination that helps you to be better on the rest of this round and to finish out the tournament strong. It is never over until the last stroke. You may just be surprised how well the rest of it turns out.

2) If the duff or shank is what has happened to you and divorce is now the course you are on, see the rest of the tournament as the rest of your life. You still have a lot of game to play. You may pull up to a par 3 and hit a hole-in-one!! Don’t just take a mulligan. Use this as a learning process to gather yourself for the next hole and rounds of your life.

As a Christian, you can have Jesus as your caddie. He can warn you of the hazards and keep you from straying off course. He can tell you how the greens lean and what will cause your ball (life) to move side to side. He will tell you when to swing with all your might and when to lay up a little. Best caddie you will ever consider having, too!!

Sometimes, people make too much or too little of divorce. They want you to just get over it and start over or take a mulligan.

Take it from me–Let Jesus carry your bag (burdens) and guide you through the Masters golf tournament called life. Let the Master be your caddie!!

Click here to access a FREE 31 Day devotional called Divorce to Healing: 31 Days of Healing and Wholeness as featured on the YouVersion Bible App.

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Divorce to Healing devotional coming soon!!

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Looking forward to finishing this up and publishing in the very near future. There is also a possibility that we will be involved with other projects that will be very exciting. Looking forward to what God wants to do with this project. Make sure you follow us here and on our Facebook and Twitter pages as well so you won’t miss out on all the news. Thanks and be blessed!!

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Sharing a little of my story

My Story

“Jesus and I are movin’ on!!”

 

It was during a counseling session with my pastor and associate pastor in a small office in a small church where God gave me the statement that would carry me during the worst days of my life.

Looking back, I was still a baby in my walk with God. Even though I had been saved a few years before and did my best to gain wisdom through going to church and hanging out with the right people, I found myself trying to hang on with all I had.

Divorce papers were serve on the day that OJ Simpson was found not guilty in the murder of his wife and friend. The one thing I really remember that day was the thought that he was found not guilty and I was found guilty; of having to serve his sentence through divorce. Well that sucks!!

Now I can see how my inabilities to communicate my feelings, even on a basic level, led to issues in our marriage. I did everything I could to reconcile and in the end, she just wanted out. (Insert blame, speculation, and the past here)

Thank God I had my brother, Dave, and his family along with my church family to help me during that time. As a Christian and striving to be more like Jesus every day, it was the hands and feet of those God blessed me with around me with flesh and bones that just loved me through my struggles.

What Dave did for me was exactly what I needed, though it may not work for you. He told me that he loved me and would be there for me anytime, anyplace, and for any reason. He also said he was not going to be all up in my business about it, but to just come to him when I needed him.

My dad is a wonderful man and raised us boys to be rather self-sufficient. In so many ways, it has allowed me to figure things out on my own, thus learning through trial and error. It worked, to a point.

What Dave did was to give me the space to figure it out on my own while providing the support I wanted when I was ready. But I needed more, so much more.

That more was Jesus!! I had to fill in all the space with the love, grace, and mercy that only God could give me. I was saved, yet I needed to allow Him to guide and lead me, and heal me to make me whole again.

The best example of this was one night in an evening when I felt so discouraged and beat down. I just needed to spend some time with Dave and his family. Guess what. They decided to head out of town to get away for a couple of days without telling me.

I lived just a few doors down, so I walked back to my dingy apartment. I think I cried more tears that night than I ever had before or ever will again. I needed my brother, my best friend. I needed…….. God!!

Looking back, it was the best thing in my healing process. I needed to get to the point of total desperation. I needed to hit rock bottom. And I did!!

And then God. What did He do? Sitting here writing this, I have no recollection of what happened next, but I can tell you that it was Him using what I thought was my strength (Dave) to show me that God is now my strength. Fully and completely, I now received God as the only answer to all of my needs.

What is sort of funny is that the statement above was something God told me before I missed Dave that night. I finally knew, deep down in my soul, what it means to walk with Jesus.

Fast forward a few years and I am now living in another town and guess what? Yes, it happens AGAIN!!!

Divorce #2. What in the flip just happened, and now what? I trusted God and did everything right I thought, but yet again, I am facing the tragedy of divorce.

After only a few months, I am faced again with that foundational relationship with God. This time, I was prepared. Yet after two and a half years or trying to reconcile, it was final.

But God was there for me every step of the way. Dave and his family moved away right after I did, but I had a relationship with God now that was my foundation, unmovable and unshakable. Even though the enemy did his best to cause me to stumble, my God was faithful and held me in His arms through it all.

Now you may be wondering why I am telling you all of this. Well, I want to encourage you that God loves you and wants you to be blessed, even through your toughest and most difficult struggles.

After my second divorce was final, I immediately called my boss to tell him I was moving and had decided to transfer with the company. I had decided to become involved with an amazing church in Jacksonville, Florida and to join their worship team. God had something awesome for me, but I did not know how awesome, until I let go and let God lead me.

I met my brother, Dave, (this is now the third place where I have moved to be close to him and his family) at his work the moment I rolled into town and we went to lunch. He told me the worship team was having a little worship time as part of a huge New Year’s Eve party.

That night I met my wife, Christy. She was a member of the worship team and close friends with Dave and his family. On New Year’s Day, the very next day, she had already planned on being at Dave’s family’s house. God was up to something.

Within 17 days, were went on our first date and we were married less than 9 months later. We have now been happily married for over 12 years and have 2 wonderful children. Together we have helped hundreds of people in various marriage and divorce groups over the years while serving in other leadership roles at Celebration Church.

28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.   Romans 8:28

My point in telling you my story is not to tell you that everything will work out for you like it did for me. I wanted to share that what God did for me He can and will do for you, if you let Him. God gave me a foundation of peace and wisdom that led me to healing and wholeness in Him.

 

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Video of encouragement

As we move on with healing from divorce, there must be evidence things are changing. I believe just you spending time with God, reading His Word, reading this blog, spending time with your family and friends, and letting others help you that you will see the evidence of your healing.

Maybe you need to see some evidence. I pray you are encouraged today and realize that you being here is evidence enough for me that you are healing. And that is encouraging me.

Be blessed!!!

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Divorce to Healing: Day 23

Regret

Regret

 

One very difficult thing you will fight is the urge to live with regrets. We have all done and said things that we wish we would have handled differently. That is just life and being human.

Letting the past cloud our present does nothing to help us heal and it robs us of precious energy and time. It only prolongs the process.

It is one thing to analyze those actions of our past that have caused us pain, whether it was our fault or not. It is another thing to keep rehashing over and over again what should be handled and dealt with, then left in the past.

View those regretful situations for the only good they can bring; gaining wisdom to understand and eventually helping to encourage or share with others when they may eventually be dealing with the exact same thing.

One of my greatest regrets that I had to handle was not knowing how to communicate. I blamed it on many things, but ultimately I needed to learn how to communicate and realize that it was ok to just tell people how I felt.

By moving forward and working through whatever regrets you may still have, you will start to put the pieces of the healing puzzle together.

10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. 2 Cor 7:10

Use the pain of the past to prepare you for your future. Learn and then let go. You can’t do that if you don’t stop looking in the rearview mirror of life.

Prayer

God, help me to have no regrets for deciding to let you handle my life and doing what is right in Your eyes, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Divorce to Healing: Day 22

apple-orange

Comparison

 

If it’s not bank accounts or looks it is stuff or relationships. We compare costs, features, and usefulness for just about everything. When it comes to where you are now in your healing process, don’t so it.

I know you wonder if that person that wrecked your life is a better cook, lover, provider, or parent. It is human nature, but that is not God’s nature.

When we compare ourselves to others, it is really just us comparing our worst to their best, our lack to their abundance, their joy to our pain. I know, because I did it too.

Why give someone else that has negatively affected you control your thoughts and image of yourself? What right do they have? Only the right that you give to them by allowing yourself to play a game of comparison that you cannot win.

Why not compare your situation to someone laying in a bed dying of cancer? How about the millions of starving and abused children all over the world, even in America? Even that is pointless, unless you need to get a reality check.

You are special. You have gifts and talents that nobody else on the earth has ever had or ever will again, in the way you were created. Only you can do what God has created you to do, and no one can compare to that, even if you are hurting.

Wisdom and identity in truth will allow you to move beyond comparing.

11  For wisdom is better than jewels; And all desirable things cannot compare with her.  Prov 8:11

You are becoming someone who will have no equal. You will be able to give help and wisdom to others because of what you are learning now. Get ready.

Prayer

God, help me to not compare my weakness to other’s strengths. Let me know that you never compare me and that you always love me, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Divorce to Healing: Day 21

Hope

Hope

 

With all you have already gone through and so much more you may still be facing, do you ever feel like it is just too much? Why bother? Will I ever have peace?

The answer is yes or no. That may sound strange, and it is meant to cause you to pay attention, because this could make or break you. And I want it to be yes!!

The answer is yes, if you can be honest with yourself. Know that you need help and get it. Know that you need others around you that speak life into you and don’t lead you into destructive thoughts or actions. Know that God is the answer!!

The answer is no, if you just decide to spend your time hating others, being angry, not forgiving, and just doing what feels good. Know that these things will just give you more pain and struggle, causing you to spiral towards a life of less than great.

Honestly, the only real answer I give to people for any advice they ask me is to seek Jesus with everything you have and follow Him. Any other advice is from a sorry man who has failed twice at marriage, yet found complete healing and peace with just that advice. And hope is there for you, if you choose it.

People’s stories of survival in dire situations seem to get boiled down to hope. They realized that without hope, they would never be rescued. It even sometimes led them to discover a new plan or strategy to get them out of their tragedy.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jer 29:11

There is always hope. Hope is all around you, just like the air you breathe. Every time you breathe in, air comes in. Open your heart and let hope in!!

Prayer

God, I need You now!! I need you to be the hope in my life and to show me how to live each day hoping for a greater life, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Divorce to Healing: Day 17

Yearning

Yearning

 

Some of the most difficult times in our lives are those that cause us to desire things we cannot have. I want my 20 year old, 185# physique back. I may lose the weight, but something tells me I will never be 20 years old again.

We all yearn for something or someone. During separation and divorce, we yearn for our relationship with the person we have lost, when it was so happy and life-giving for both of you.

Feelings of longing for a relationship we used to have or the possibility of a new one, is not wrong and you should not feel bad about that. Just be realistic with your feelings.

May I suggest you yearn for that which you can attain, like a healed heart and a renewed soul? Reach to acquire the help you need to get you there, like professional help or pastoral care. Give yourself a chance.

Growth comes through stretching for more than you have now. Just like a rubber band, by stretching it out, it actually expands when it retreats leaving it able to do more next time.

Take time to yearn, but for what matters and for what will bring you the healing and wholeness you need to move forward.

5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”? James 4:5

There is someone who does yearn and longs jealously for a sincere relationship with you; Jesus. Take time to let him show you what a real loving relationship is.

Prayer

God, may my heart and soul be filled with Your love so completely that I can feel how jealously you yearn for us to spend time together, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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